I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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