just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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