he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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