ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
