he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
