You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
