I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
