Soap is not a condiment
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
