I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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