im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
