$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
