He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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