I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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