a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
