My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
