there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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