Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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