I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
