tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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