I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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