watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
