This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
