I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
