Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
