can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
