I'm drive I can fine osifer
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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