my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize