We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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