I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
