I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
