Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
