: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
