They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
