I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
