someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
