Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
