I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
