If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
