My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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