Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
