well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
