I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
