When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
