woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's official drugs can't kill me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
