its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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