In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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