Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
