Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
