Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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