I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
