Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
