Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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