Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize