The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
