Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
