I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
