This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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