I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
