hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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